I rolled out of bed. I had breakfast and got dressed. I worked diligently for a few hours and then decided to go to the shop and buy some shampoo.
Yesterday, I woke up in a good mood.
Now, a quick note about this. I have long hair. It’s not Rapunzel-length – I don’t have to worry about yanking on it when I sit down – but it’s long. I also don’t use any hair products because I’m weird about texture and I really like my hair to be soft. I have yet to try a mousse or hairspray or serum that doesn’t make my hair feel either crunchy or sticky or oily, so I just go without. This means that the heavy burden of making sure my hair looks, feels and smells awesome rests squarely on the shoulders of my shampoo and conditioner dream team.
Yes, I realise as I’m typing this out that I sound a little manic about my hair. I’m not. I barely even brush it. I’m just trying to explain why I have such strong feelings about shampoo.
I’m not quite sure I’ve succeeded.
About two months ago I trotted into Boots* to buy some shampoo and found myself in the no-sulphates section. I am not entirely sure what sulphates are or what they do, and I don’t care enough to google the answer, but apparently they’re Not Good, because there were a whole bunch of no-sulphate shampoos. I picked one at random and took it home.
And then I fell in love.
I fell in love with a shampoo.
It’s perfect. It smells a bit like men’s shower gel, but I like that. It made my hair feel clean and soft and lovely. I was disproportionately excited about it; honestly, much more excited than anybody should ever be about shampoo. I mean, it’s shampoo. Not exactly life-altering.
Still, the next time I was in Boots (which was about a week ago) I decided to buy some more. I walked down the shampoo aisle. I walked up the shampoo aisle. I walked back down the shampoo aisle. There was no sign of it.
I shrugged and went to a different store, now on a mission; I was like a tiny bloodhound, and the scent I was following was that of rosemary and botanic oils.
Still no sign of it.
Yesterday, after my productive morning, I walked into a third Boots with a spring in my step. This Boots is large and well-stocked, and I fully expected my shampoo to be there waiting for me in all its vibrant verdure. At this point I had come to terms with the fact that this shampoo is obviously rare and endangered. I decided to stockpile it. I mentally prepared myself to become a shampoo hoarder.
I turned the corner and glimpsed a glint of green winking at me from the bottom shelf. My face brightened. I subconsciously picked up the pace.
And then a Boots staff member snatched those five tubes of shampoo and matching conditioner right off the shelf and marched off with them before my very (horrified) eyes. Just… swiped them right off the shelf and disappeared into a back room without a word! I stood there for a moment trying to process what I had just witnessed, then whipped out my phone and found that this shampoo and conditioner is not rare or endangered. Oh no. It’s much worse than that. This shampoo is extinct. It has been DISCONTINUED.
That was just the last straw. There’s only so much I can handle before I need to go and lie down in a dark room. It’s not enough that Donald Trump is out there stomping on people’s lives and liberties like a flabby, mentally-compromised Godzilla with no self-control?
Now they take my shampoo?!**
There are no words.
Everything is unbearable.
*Like Walgreens, but better.
**I have ordered three of the remaining tubes on Amazon to soothe my anguish. Thank you for your thoughts at this difficult time.