You know that ad with the tagline, “You’re not you when you’re hungry”? It’s a Snickers ad, I think. They main character has been acting irrationally, but thanks to the healing power of chocolate they shapeshift back to themselves after a single bite of a Snickers. You know the one? I identify strongly with that ad, only for me it’s, “You’re not you when you’re tired.”
I am not me when I am tired.
I become something else entirely, something strongly resembling a mogwai who has been fed after midnight, put under a spotlight and doused with a fireman’s hose for good measure. I become a gremlin.
My face scrunches up in displeasure, a stubborn frown settles on my face, and I start plotting the imminent accidentally-on-purpose demise of anyone or anything making the fatal mistake of annoying me. This can include:
- People with grating accents (specifically, rowdy hen/stag parties with grating accents; ie the hens and stags from Manchester – sorry Mancunians – that were on my flight to Dublin)
- Crying babies
- Anybody eating an egg sandwich in a public place
- Anybody who stops in a doorway for no visible reason
- People who block a footpath by walking at a glacial pace while you’re in a hurry
- People who wait until all their items have been scanned at the till before patting their pockets for their wallet
- When my laptop freezes
- When I can’t find the end of the sellotape
- Sales assistants that descend on you the moment you enter the shop
- Umbrellas (I don’t trust them. They’re spiky and sinister looking)
On a regular day, none of these things annoy me. None of these things could be described as anything more than mildly infuriating. On a normal day, if my laptop freezes I take the opportunity to go make myself another cup of tea. On a normal day I feel bad for crying babies, and when someone blocks the footpath I remind myself that I’m not in a rush, and sure what harm in slowing down myself?
But, mis amigos, on a tired day, each of these annoyances make my face crumple and scrunch until you can barely make out any facial features. If multiple annoyances attack me when I am tired I go beyond gremlin status and basically become an angry human scribble.
Today, I am so tired. I am so tired that I have run myself into the ground. My body put up no defence at all against the inevitable long-haul flight germs and now I am sick. I have had no time to nap and no time to wind down, and I am shattered into smithereens. I feel like a sliver of my usual self. I feel like Mr. Potatohead in Toy Story 3 when he becomes Mr. Tortillawraphead. I am wafting about with limited self control.
Luckily, there have been no annoyances in the last two days. The situation is not as dire as it could be. You can still – just about – see my eyes if you manage to look past the dark circles beneath them. I’m hoping to sleep myself practically comatose tonight, and be back to myself by Wednesday.
If I’m not better by then, can one of you come and put this Gremlin in a blender please?
Thanks in advance!